March 7th, 12

I’m in fear.
The unknown of what’s to involve my heart.
You’re making a passageway
to a place uncharted
You’re engaging the army
Setting up the battle
Yet my heart is feeling every maneuver
Every strategic plan
The beat feels weak but the pulse is strong
For it’s experiencing a pull
A tug
A jerk
In your direction
The defenses are coming down
The front line is decimated, under mortar attack
My heart is pleading to not surrender
No white flag
The fear is real.
Love… Is on the horizon.

*tick, tock*

Sounds of the clock.
Keeping time with my heart.
Drops of blood coursing through my veins.
Carrying more than plasma…
It’s carrying my yearning for you
My want of your body
Transmitting, radiating to my very core…

I awake

Eyes searching through a sea of fog
Connecting with the same clock pacing my heart
Time is at its slowest
For the second hand has traveled less than my longing
The magnitude of my solitude gaining speed as well as growing legs
How to stop this train wreck?
How does one run away?
For to do so would rendered me soulless…
Unfeeling…
Cold, numb
Sharing a blanket with Old ManWinter.
Constant sub zero.
Competing with my heart and its rhythm.
Who wins?
Please my love, tell me.

I’m up late at night….

My thoughts are focused on you.  You face, your breath, the sound of your voice…
I’m wanting you.
I’m wanting what I can’t have.
In my bed, caressing my body, kissing my neck.
I’m wanting you.
Hearing the sound of your laughter.  Explaining to me the ways of the situation.
I’m wanting you.
That arm around my waist.  The proverbial caress of my ass.  The schematic ways you take to put your hands on me, to feel on my body.
I’m wanting you… 

But like all other things…
My want of you is detrimental to my well-being.   It’s like poison spreading itself through my bloodstream.
Killing me slowly.  I’m dying from trying to reach out my hand to yours.
Not being able to have all of you now!  Not having you when I want you.
Playing russian roulette with my choices.
For if I were to play…
I die because I chose to be with you. 
I die because my choice betrays the very thing I hold dear to me.
I die because I betrayed me.
Walking throughout life in a shell of what was once me

It’s what you do to me that bleeds my psyche.
My will of you being here is lost on deaf ears.
I can’t speak of how you make me feel…
I can say…
That I want you.

I’m not willing to die for my choice.